Collected #onthebus Reports for June 2010

• hipster girl has bald spot.

• man clutches woman and pizza in opposing arms with equal tenderness, like a finely calibrated scale of male desire.

• drunk twink almost exits three times, stopping himself by the door at the final second. wild, considering his eyes are shut.

• creep in front of me eats gummy worms out of a plain paper bag. smells sickeningly sweet.

• tweaker at the back of crowded bus: "YOU STILL THERE?"

• tweaker at the front of crowded bus: "YEAH!"

• driver over loudspeaker: "GGRYHDDEYUOI VFTFDE UIOGFRC DOOR"

• Freshly lit hickory smoke from the bbq place down the block fills the cabin. it means i'm late for work, but it's heaven

• Giant "Toy Story 3" ad on side of the bus. When the window is open, Buzz Lightyear is severely cross-eyed.

• Sunglasses over glasses.

• Woman's hat looks like cross between 16th century Scottish Balmoral, and 20th Century Midwest couch

• reality. settling. in.

• reality. unsettling. in.

• much easier to transport a giant tripod and a rubber crown on public transit than i thought.

• Hydraulics: still the coolest thing about MUNI

• #Ontario: what spellcheck so desperately wants #onthebus to be.

• latest staredown opponent: hippie Marilyn Manson with the boarding school jacket and the leather gloves. this round goes to: me.

• "The only man I admire is Hugh Heffner. Howard Hughes too. I only admire people with two H names."

• "Work is for people who don't know how to play. Work is four letter word. Don't say that word around me."

• "JFK married Jackie Onassis. Her father was Aristotle Onassis. Imagine marrying that money! In the 70's? Bubble gum was a penny!"

• four passengers collide in an attempt to rescue another passengers fallen shades.

• motion sickness? really? this is a first.

• Riding backwards strips you of control a bit. Not enjoyable. like i've been willingly kidnapped by someone who can't afford a van

• Two techies loudly gushing over new iPhone 4g scared into silence by tweaker's forceful barrage of questions about tech specs

• kid playing video game on iPhone also giving full volume play by play: "those are angry birds!" "there's ice exploding!"

• Evidently I make an excellent back rest.

• dude got on playing acoustic bass, with an acoustic guitar on his back. two strikes, buddy. at least pick a side.