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Entries in #onthebus (23)

Monday
Mar032014

COLLECTED #ONTHEBUS REPORTS FOR OCT 2013 - FEB 2014



  • Multiple leather hats.

  • Man with pony tail and huge stretched earlobes wearing full business suit, carrying attaché case.

  • Orange kimono: check. Blue striped tights: check. Green parasol: check. Purple braided headband: check. 50 year old man: check.

  • "You have gorgeous hair! I will not shut up. I would love to have that hair. I would enter a boxing competition for it."

  • "Everyone on the bus wants someone to sing to them, so shut up. EVERYONE!"

  • "I LOVE ERIC CLAY! I LOVE ERIC CLAY! I LOVE AEROPLANES!"

  • "I LOVE ERIC CLAY! I'LL LET HIM DO ME ANY OLD WAY! I LOVE ERIC CLAY! EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE NOWHERE TO STAY!"

  • Eric Clay: "leave me alone for the rest of my life. You're really fernin' me off! STIFLE YOURSELF!"

  • Eric Clay: "Don't use the f-word either, you queen!"

  • "DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE ON ERIC! HE'S GOT A BAD LEG! YOU CALL THE COPS, BITCH!" (this was said directly to the bus doors)

  • #onthebus with a backpack, sleeping bag, pillow and powerful B.O. Now I know what the crusty kids feel like, but not really.

  • The smell of weed and Burger King...the faint sound of someone crying. #settingthescene

  • Joint rolled.

  • Two Park & Rec employees comparing scars from sharp plant assaults in Golden Gate Park.

  • Three meowing Asian girls.

  • Convincing yet detectable toupee.

  • "The Cork" = the person occupying the middle seat on the back bench blocking other riders exit.

  • Man attempting to sit without removing his impossibly large backpack having varying degrees of success.

  • GODDAMN! Just made it. #fullsprint

  • There are enough sunflower seeds on the floor to pave a country road.

  • "MAN she got a big butt. Probably suck a rhinoceros off."

  • Man behind me must have just gotten off work at the cologne jacuzzi factory.

  • Whoa, Cologne Man is super nasty. I think I hit the #onthebus brown goldmine.

  • Seriously, this guy has been hosing himself with expired cologne for three stops. He just fired 20 pumps into his hat & put it on.

  • If you don't like dirty talk, stop reading now.

  • "I squeeze that pussy 48 hours deep, no sleep! Fat furry fat fantasy ass pussy!" - Cologne Man

  • "I suck all the hair off a must ass ho." - Cologne Man

  • "You're too good to lick asshole? I'm not too good to lick asshole! You don't have to wash the whole ass, just the asshole!" - CM

  • "I live the brown button, cute as a brown button! I haven't seen a button since I came out a button!" - CM

  • "I like assholes but I don't like aaaassssholesss. Mean people get fucked in the butt with a thorn bush." - CM

  • BTW, there is a scrawny white kid acting like a yes-man to Cologne Man. "Yeah man, I think all humans want to do that!"

  • "It's gonna take me two days to knock all the dish powder out of those panties." - Cologne Man.

  • Scrawny Yes-Man got off with a "right-on, man!" Then Cologne Man yelled out the window, "VIRGIN!"

  • Why does it smell like a wood burning stove #onthebus?

  • People playing musical chairs around one guy who's coughing his brains out.

  • Man swatting around his face in order to knock germs out of the air, I assume.

  • IT guy across from me extended his leg twixt my legs & under my seat. Gonna serve him some deep eye contact. #passoagresso4lyfe

  • I rubbed the guy's foot, senator-in-a-bathroom-stall style. He got the message.

  • Old man straight up smoking a cigar without one fuck given.

  • Pre-teen reading "The Power of Now"

  • Old Asian woman mumbling "wi-fi" to herself over and over.

  • Man flossing.

  • Man in full fatigues with four bicycle chains around his neck.

  • Evidently people rollerblading #onthebus in LA is a problem frequent enough to require placards and announcements.

  • Woman singing "Shave & a Haircut."

  • Now she's singing "Daylight savings, FALL BACK! FALL BACK!" (kind-of to the tune if Camptown Races, but not really)

  • "Piddle-a-shee! Remember that song? Piddle-a-shee! Ok now you sing it."

  • "OMG Jen, this guy is like the worst tagger ever!” http://instagram.com/p/gQsre_tYQG/

  • LA Metro Orange Line seats designed by 7 year old on an Amiga. http://instagram.com/p/gQulyINYTP/

  • Six Flags should develop a ride named "Taking a Deuce in a Bolt Bus Bathroom"

  • There should be a skateboard trick named "Trying to Stand Up After Taking a Deuce in a Bolt Bus Bathroom"

  • I watch @LookingHBO for the MUNI scenes because I miss being #onthebus