Collected #onthebus Reports For May 2010

• Many bald white men with bow ties and sunglasses today for some reason. Like the Dot Com Nation of Islam showed up.

• Four-year-old next to me shields his eyes with his hand while slowly eating Froot Loops from a Ziploc bag. Hungover?

• Sitting next to me now is simply a pile of Froot Loops. I'm good with that.

• Parrot sounds coming from the front. Actual parrot unconfirmed.

• Emotional dissertation on Burning Man by guy who went there once.

• Can we make "The North Face" a synonym for "Annoyed by interactions with the lower class"?

• fall asleep. lean on my shoulder. awake startled. repeat for duration of ride.

• open laptop = open invitation for snatch and grab. 3...2...1...

• staredown with dude on cell phone. i win. i have established dominance. do i pee on him now?

• "I don’t have to swing my legs over so you can get out. You heard what I said."

• All denim trench coat paired with a visible tighty-whitey rim.

• five year old Chinese boy chanting the word "sexy"

• Saw a woman sitting on a man lap and showing too much PDA. Suddenly remembered its my anniversary.

• a overflowing shopping cart, full of packaged merchandise, and ten sports coats in dry cleaning bags hanging on the rim.

• boxes and bags keep falling out and blocking the doors. did i mention the whole thing is in front of the doors?

• dude is trying to juggle the rolling cart and all the suspicious merch tumbling out. oh, and he has a cane; cant bend over

• he is trying to use his cane and his foot to launch a steak knife (in package) back into the cart

• hard stop. half his booty ejected from the cart.

• holding the doors open while he kicks each item on the floor through them. other passengers join in. driver screaming.

• girl wears sunglasses. girl raises sunglasses to top of head. girl sips coffee. girl returns sunglasses to face.

• pretty sure a fart got on at the last stop  #iknowitsrainingbutopenawindow

• woman looks like how Belle and Sebastian sound: precious and tweedy. i bet she's the one who farted.

• of all the things she could choose to yell at the two brats she just brought on the bus, this woman is going with "STOP HUGGING!"

• dude next to me just dropped a bunch of dimes on the seat as he left. gonna let someone else snatch 'em. pay it forward, you know.

• i really need to start bringing a book.

• Thank you, Vets. #notonthebusthismorning