COLLECTED #ONTHEBUS REPORTS FOR FEBRUARY & MARCH 2012

FEBRUARY

• Again, #LA, what did I say about fabric seats, huh? photo: Emilio Banuelos
  

• Man double fisting dozens of lottery scratchers.
  
  
• Man with eyepatch has Evil Dead shirt. #LA #groovy

• Can't tell if you are a dude next to me or 3000 cigarette butts wearing a.hoodie. #LA
  
  
• Anyone ever seen a mohawk with a 90° angle in the middle? I have now. #LA
  
  
• Due to colorful seat fabric, being #onthebus in #LA reminds me of E.P.C.O.T. Center, if E.P.C.O.T. was "going through some shit right now"
  
  
• There are TVs #onthebus in #LA
  
  
• Allow me to retweet myself: There are TVs #onthebus in #LA
  
  
• One TV is working & one TV is horribly vandalized. I bet that first one is scared. #LA
  
  
• Big Black dude dressed like Stallone from first "Rocky" + a "Rocky" shirt + matching giant Star of David chain & neck tattoo.  #LA
  
  
• FROM @ffxrider: @alexkoll Love your #onthebus tweets. Are the ones on that page all yours? I recognize some of them but not all. #superbowl  //// @ffxrider All mine. I wouldn't co-opt anyone's #onthebus experience. Each is unique like a foul-smelling, slightly threatening snowflake.
  
  
• Couple sharing headphones somehow still look like they don't know each other.  #LA
  
  
• One old man, so many earrings. #LA
  
  
• SEATING CHART: | me | large box containing 2 dozen premium orange paintball clips | Oakley enthusiast |  #LA
  
  
• Man with picnic basket/lobster trap/both? #goodtobebackinSF
  
  
• Guy has a denim hoodie. Is that double cool, or do they cancel each other out?
  
  
• FROM @rachelswan: Alex, this woman wants her money back because the bus stank. #14 //// How ungrateful. You can't get that kind of stank FOR FREE!
  
  
• Dude just got busted for either fare evasion or for his leather Budweiser jacket & shorts combo.
  
  
• Judging by my last two tweets, I must have boarded the Catty Bitch Limited. #ontherag
  
  
• YES! / RT @Juicemanji was the fare evader an obese white kid? Saw someone with that same outfit #onthebus Saturday.
  
  
• Skinhead girl killin' a big bag of Sour Patch Kids solo.
  
  
• "I ain't even fuckin' with dreams. That shit's expensive."
  
  
• Overly polite child
  
  
• I think I might throw-up #onthebus for reals.
  
  
• I'm in the very back by an open window, so if it's gotta go down this is as ideal as it gets.
  
  
• The trick is gonna be launching it all outside; no blowback.
  
  
• Typing this is making it worse. I'm dumb.
  
  
• I think I got food poisoning, but think I'm gonna make it home. If I do I want the Congressional Medal of Honor.
  
  
• "It's very dismal. I said dismal. It's dismal. Huh? Dismal. It's very dismal." - man on phone who thinks it's dismal #onthetrain #yonkers
  
  
• Tiny woman on tall heels. If her Venti Iced Passion Tea was any fuller, she would capsize. #onthetrain #tarrytown
  
  
• "Celebrate good times, suck dick!" - passerby serenade #onthetrain #nyc
  
  
• Straight up smells like salad dressing in here. #onthebus #nyc
  
  
• Man looks like Silent Bob but with a 2 foot bleach blonde fall. #onthetrain #queens
  
  
• Man with entire set of golf clubs in a plastic shopping bag. #onthetrain #queens
  
  
• I want to describe this woman's look as "Carmen Sandiego Found in MAC Cosmetics Barrel" or "Spy Bitch" #onthetrain #manhattan
  
  
• ...maybe it's Cindy Sherman promoting her show... #onthetrain #manhattan #whereintheworldisartistcindysherman

• Teenagers rocking seven-year-old ski tags on seven-year-old ski jackets. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• Man asleep with head on self-provided mic stand. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• One hipster, one black stocking, one white stocking. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• Reggae band performs version of "The Sign" three times in a row. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• Drag queens can't agree on lotion brand. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• Couple asleep in each other's arms were clearly texting prior to passing out. #onthetrain #williamsberg

• FROM @JFODcomedy: It's #williamsburg not berg, Alex. Your super successful NYC trip is now nullified. Way to go bro.

MARCH

• "BOOM GOES THE BACKDOOR BELL! BOOM GOES THE BACKDOOR BELL!"  #backinsf
  
  
• Asian teen is wearing a peacoat, Air Monarchs, and that seems to be it.
  
  
• The strong and distinct smell of semen is wafting from the back where a man is singing Dr. John songs. I dare not turn around.
  
  
• The bus is my SXSW.
  
  
• Woman's headphone cord plugged into Baskin Robbins cup.
  
  
• Next stop: Skaight & Thrashbury. #ontheExobus :
  
• There is just as much North Face being sported today as every day, but it is actually raining so i'll let it slide.
  
  
• "How you gonna smoke that much weed and hate Irish people, Mexican.people and Cajun people?"
  
  
• "She said If I smoke any more weed it'll condense my bones. So after I get my tax refund I'm gonna BART to the hospital."
  
  
• 3 hippie kids tried to sneak on. One got busted. The other two just mumbled "bummer" as we left him behind.  #thrownunderthebus
  
  
• If you wish to observe the modern tradition of a foam leprechaun hat, I wish to hit you with a traditional sheleighly.
  
  
• "Does that guy have a green mustache? Oh my god he does! So gross!"
  
  
• "Girl, you ever fart on your lamaze coach?"
  
  
• "Just made it dude! I bailed on that Gatorade so hard. Shoved it in the rack, didn't even look!"
  
  
• Skinny hipster tourist didn't wear enough layers. So cold he's shivering & moaning alone in the back. Sad but also a bit creepy.
  
  
• "Sorry, that was Ellen telling me i'm 'not mentally in it.' I'm so sick of her 'mental' shit. I don't 'mentally' give a fuck."
  
  
• "What were we talking about...Europe...making it rain...Jerrod and his awkward juice...?"