photo: Emilio Banuelos

  • "Dude, totally do that to her. Be like, 'I'm in the pet industry, you're in the pet industry, give me all the contacts I need.' "

  • "Man, I think Beaver is spun, man. He squeezed two markers dry with his bare hands. You smell his hat lately?"

  • "This dude is too much. Wish I had video...10,000 hits easy. Get that YouTube money! That YouTube money!"

  • I think I forgot to pay.

  • "IT SMELLS LIKE ONIONS!" / "Not me. I smell like trees!"

  • "That girl is all dirty & tie-dye, but she acts all bourgeoisie & shit. She's checkin' her nails out, but she got fleas no doubt."


  • No one but me #onthebus right now. Sitting in the back like it's a filthy limo.

  • Dude got on, sat right next to me. Totally empty, sat right next to me. Totally. Empty. Right. Next. To. Me. #dude

  • I'd say dude has a combover, but it's more of a combdowner.

  • White man with white Kindle, please be reading "White Fang."

  • Can't tell if you are a 22 year old hipster woman or 12 year old Serbian farm girl.

  • "I've been movin' around. On Greyhound for months. And i've NEVER been impressed by Del Taco."

  • "Know what she did after totaling the car? Went to the casino. Plus, she has a big cottage cheese ass; wider by the week!"

  • Poor old guy keeps telling the same two jokes over & over to the poor young girl who sat next to him.

  • "Kid comes home from college. Dad says what'd you learn? Kid says πr². Dad says, you dummy! Everyone knows pie are round!"

  • "You hear about the guy who was built backwards? His nose ran and his feet smelled!"

  • Old guy is now repeating both jokes over & over aloud to everyone.

  • "Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey..."

  • Woman told boyfriend he's the best sound engineer ever.

  • "There are so many bold tunes on my sound horizon!"

  • Dude's earlobe plugs are so big you could fit the 90's through them.

  • Bus is empty, and the driver is a hipster lady with orange shades. Did I just get on an ironic bus?

  • Gonna call this dude "No-Longer-A-Kid Rock" or "Drunk Fedora Thor"

  • ...or maybe "Tipsy Gypsy" because he is fighting an epic battle against gravity.

  • "Well, let's all make pillows then!" - Tipsy Thor Gypsy

  • He's using all his strength plus a pole as leverage to open a window that's already open.

  • "Never on occasion have fucked a pineapple rabbit!" - Tipsy Thor Gypsy

  • He is now checking his eyeballs in the fisheye mirror on the back door.

  • Meanwhile, a couple is breaking up loudly in the back. The dude just agreed he's "A real shitty boyfriend" at top volume.

  • "We should visit The Haight today." - lady #onthebus that is currently leaving The Haight.

  • Can't tell if you are a hipster lady or a homeless Marshall Mathers.

  • "Yes! Yes I did see your Kickstarter! No! No it's not a good idea!"

  • Can't tell if you are a hipster lady or Edna Mode from The Incredibles.

  • Old guy who looks like a prospector just sat next to other old guy who looks like a prospector. You rach-e-frakin' CLAIM JUMPER!

  • Public trans right to the airport. You're kinda town, Portland.  #PDX

  • Might have to put a moratorium on hipster observations while I'm here...might overload the whole internets. #PDX

  • Fabric seats with drain holes. Weird combo. #PDX
  • #onthetrain #PDX to #SEA
  • "Hey baby, wanna join the 5 Foot High Club?" - my buddy Matt to me

  • Dude is getting the third degree for not saying "excuse me" before sitting in an open seat. #SEA

  • Lady giving a monologue to no one from back bench. #SEA

  • "Where the flesh at? Where the real one at? Ooooooo, London huh?" #SEA

  • "Get on the table, Louis. That's where the Tebow motherfucker is from." (smells wrist three times) #SEA

  • "All my nationalities are on one mattress, one swedish mattress. Terminator. Terminator from the future!" #SEA

  • "Get up on that table and make sure they get the microchip out of ya! Make sure they do it right!" #SEA

  • Ramble Lady leaves. Hipster Girl says, "It was like she was in her own sci-fi fantasy...I'm so jealous!" #SEA

  • Sometimes this city is too amazing.

  • Old hippie driving car full of old hippies slowed at a green light, got out, adjusted his pants (CAR STILL MOVING), got back in.

  • Oh yeah, other old hippie worked the pedals from the passenger seat with a crystal covered walking stick.

  • Gonna miss this audition i'm going to, but that made it worth it.

  • "Yo! Take that shit off! You look like a Crayola box!"

  • Real old pit bull just got #onthebus. I think it got on by itself.

  • Pit bull fart.

  • Hipster girl bragging to friend about flask and toy horse her boyfriend got her. Her voice is so annoying I can't even quote her.

  • "Yeah...it's yeah, and you know...yeah. So like, yeah."

  • "yeah" is the new "like"

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