COLLECTED #ONTHEBUS REPORTS FOR JANUARY 2012

photo: Emilio Banuelos

• "Dude, totally do that to her. Be like, 'I'm in the pet industry, you're in the pet industry, give me all the contacts I need.' "
  
  
• "Man, I think Beaver is spun, man. He squeezed two markers dry with his bare hands. You smell his hat lately?"
  
  
• "This dude is too much. Wish I had video...10,000 hits easy. Get that YouTube money! That YouTube money!"
  
  
• I think I forgot to pay.
  
  
• "IT SMELLS LIKE ONIONS!" / "Not me. I smell like trees!"
  
  
• "That girl is all dirty & tie-dye, but she acts all bourgeoisie & shit. She's checkin' her nails out, but she got fleas no doubt."
  
  
• "BACK DOOR! BACK DOOR! J/K! J/K!"
  
  
• No one but me #onthebus right now. Sitting in the back like it's a filthy limo.
  
  
• Dude got on, sat right next to me. Totally empty, sat right next to me. Totally. Empty. Right. Next. To. Me. #dude
  
  
• I'd say dude has a combover, but it's more of a combdowner.
  
  
• White man with white Kindle, please be reading "White Fang."
  
  
• Can't tell if you are a 22 year old hipster woman or 12 year old Serbian farm girl.
  
  
• "I've been movin' around. On Greyhound for months. And i've NEVER been impressed by Del Taco."
  
  
• "Know what she did after totaling the car? Went to the casino. Plus, she has a big cottage cheese ass; wider by the week!"
  
  
• Poor old guy keeps telling the same two jokes over & over to the poor young girl who sat next to him.
  
  
• "Kid comes home from college. Dad says what'd you learn? Kid says πr². Dad says, you dummy! Everyone knows pie are round!"
  
  
• "You hear about the guy who was built backwards? His nose ran and his feet smelled!"
  
  
• Old guy is now repeating both jokes over & over aloud to everyone.
  
  
• "Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey..."
  
  
• Woman told boyfriend he's the best sound engineer ever.
  
  
• "There are so many bold tunes on my sound horizon!"
  
  
• Dude's earlobe plugs are so big you could fit the 90's through them.
  
  
• Bus is empty, and the driver is a hipster lady with orange shades. Did I just get on an ironic bus?
  
  
• Gonna call this dude "No-Longer-A-Kid Rock" or "Drunk Fedora Thor"
  
  
• ...or maybe "Tipsy Gypsy" because he is fighting an epic battle against gravity.
  
  
• "Well, let's all make pillows then!" - Tipsy Thor Gypsy
  
  
• He's using all his strength plus a pole as leverage to open a window that's already open.
  
  
• "Never on occasion have fucked a pineapple rabbit!" - Tipsy Thor Gypsy
  
  
• He is now checking his eyeballs in the fisheye mirror on the back door.
  
  
• Meanwhile, a couple is breaking up loudly in the back. The dude just agreed he's "A real shitty boyfriend" at top volume.
  
  
• "We should visit The Haight today." - lady #onthebus that is currently leaving The Haight.
  
  
• Can't tell if you are a hipster lady or a homeless Marshall Mathers.
  
  
• "Yes! Yes I did see your Kickstarter! No! No it's not a good idea!"
  
  
• Can't tell if you are a hipster lady or Edna Mode from The Incredibles.
  
  
• Old guy who looks like a prospector just sat next to other old guy who looks like a prospector. You rach-e-frakin' CLAIM JUMPER!
  
  
• Public trans right to the airport. You're kinda town, Portland.  #PDX
  
  
• Might have to put a moratorium on hipster observations while I'm here...might overload the whole internets. #PDX
  
  
• Fabric seats with drain holes. Weird combo. #PDX

• #onthetrain #PDX to #SEA

• "Hey baby, wanna join the 5 Foot High Club?" - my buddy Matt to me
  
  
• Dude is getting the third degree for not saying "excuse me" before sitting in an open seat. #SEA
  
  
• Lady giving a monologue to no one from back bench. #SEA
  
  
• "Where the flesh at? Where the real one at? Ooooooo, London huh?" #SEA
  
  
• "Get on the table, Louis. That's where the Tebow motherfucker is from." (smells wrist three times) #SEA
  
  
• "All my nationalities are on one mattress, one swedish mattress. Terminator. Terminator from the future!" #SEA
  
  
• "Get up on that table and make sure they get the microchip out of ya! Make sure they do it right!" #SEA
  
  
• Ramble Lady leaves. Hipster Girl says, "It was like she was in her own sci-fi fantasy...I'm so jealous!" #SEA
  
  
• Sometimes this city is too amazing.
  
  
• Old hippie driving car full of old hippies slowed at a green light, got out, adjusted his pants (CAR STILL MOVING), got back in.
  
  
• Oh yeah, other old hippie worked the pedals from the passenger seat with a crystal covered walking stick.
  
  
• Gonna miss this audition i'm going to, but that made it worth it.
  
  
• "Yo! Take that shit off! You look like a Crayola box!"
  
  
• Real old pit bull just got #onthebus. I think it got on by itself.
  
  
• Pit bull fart.
  
  
• Hipster girl bragging to friend about flask and toy horse her boyfriend got her. Her voice is so annoying I can't even quote her.
  
  
• "Yeah...it's yeah, and you know...yeah. So like, yeah."
  
  
• "yeah" is the new "like"