COLLECTED #ONTHEBUS REPORTS FOR OCT 2013 - FEB 2014

• Multiple leather hats.
  
  
• Man with pony tail and huge stretched earlobes wearing full business suit, carrying attaché case.
  
  
• Orange kimono: check. Blue striped tights: check. Green parasol: check. Purple braided headband: check. 50 year old man: check.
  
  
• "You have gorgeous hair! I will not shut up. I would love to have that hair. I would enter a boxing competition for it."
  
  
• "Everyone on the bus wants someone to sing to them, so shut up. EVERYONE!"
  
  
• "I LOVE ERIC CLAY! I LOVE ERIC CLAY! I LOVE AEROPLANES!"
  
  
• "I LOVE ERIC CLAY! I'LL LET HIM DO ME ANY OLD WAY! I LOVE ERIC CLAY! EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE NOWHERE TO STAY!"
  
  
• Eric Clay: "leave me alone for the rest of my life. You're really fernin' me off! STIFLE YOURSELF!"
  
  
• Eric Clay: "Don't use the f-word either, you queen!"
  
  
• "DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE ON ERIC! HE'S GOT A BAD LEG! YOU CALL THE COPS, BITCH!" (this was said directly to the bus doors)
  
  
• #onthebus with a backpack, sleeping bag, pillow and powerful B.O. Now I know what the crusty kids feel like, but not really.
  
  
• The smell of weed and Burger King...the faint sound of someone crying. #settingthescene
  
  
• Joint rolled.
  
  
• Two Park & Rec employees comparing scars from sharp plant assaults in Golden Gate Park.
  
  
• Three meowing Asian girls.
  
  
• Convincing yet detectable toupee.
  
  
• "The Cork" = the person occupying the middle seat on the back bench blocking other riders exit.
  
  
• Man attempting to sit without removing his impossibly large backpack having varying degrees of success.
  
  
• GODDAMN! Just made it. #fullsprint
  
  
• There are enough sunflower seeds on the floor to pave a country road.
  
  
• "MAN she got a big butt. Probably suck a rhinoceros off."
  
  
• Man behind me must have just gotten off work at the cologne jacuzzi factory.
  
  
• Whoa, Cologne Man is super nasty. I think I hit the #onthebus brown goldmine.
  
  
• Seriously, this guy has been hosing himself with expired cologne for three stops. He just fired 20 pumps into his hat & put it on.
  
  
• If you don't like dirty talk, stop reading now.
  
  
• "I squeeze that pussy 48 hours deep, no sleep! Fat furry fat fantasy ass pussy!" - Cologne Man
  
  
• "I suck all the hair off a must ass ho." - Cologne Man
  
  
• "You're too good to lick asshole? I'm not too good to lick asshole! You don't have to wash the whole ass, just the asshole!" - CM
  
  
• "I live the brown button, cute as a brown button! I haven't seen a button since I came out a button!" - CM
  
  
• "I like assholes but I don't like aaaassssholesss. Mean people get fucked in the butt with a thorn bush." - CM
  
  
• BTW, there is a scrawny white kid acting like a yes-man to Cologne Man. "Yeah man, I think all humans want to do that!"
  
  
• "It's gonna take me two days to knock all the dish powder out of those panties." - Cologne Man.
  
  
• Scrawny Yes-Man got off with a "right-on, man!" Then Cologne Man yelled out the window, "VIRGIN!"
  
  
• Why does it smell like a wood burning stove #onthebus?
  
  
• People playing musical chairs around one guy who's coughing his brains out.
  
  
• Man swatting around his face in order to knock germs out of the air, I assume.
  
  
• IT guy across from me extended his leg twixt my legs & under my seat. Gonna serve him some deep eye contact. #passoagresso4lyfe
  
  
• I rubbed the guy's foot, senator-in-a-bathroom-stall style. He got the message.
  
  
• Old man straight up smoking a cigar without one fuck given.
  
  
• Pre-teen reading "The Power of Now"
  
  
• Old Asian woman mumbling "wi-fi" to herself over and over.
  
  
• Man flossing.
  
  
• Man in full fatigues with four bicycle chains around his neck.
  
  
• Evidently people rollerblading #onthebus in LA is a problem frequent enough to require placards and announcements.
  
  
• Woman singing "Shave & a Haircut."
  
  
• Now she's singing "Daylight savings, FALL BACK! FALL BACK!" (kind-of to the tune if Camptown Races, but not really)
  
  
• "Piddle-a-shee! Remember that song? Piddle-a-shee! Ok now you sing it."
  
  
• "OMG Jen, this guy is like the worst tagger ever!” http://instagram.com/p/gQsre_tYQG/
  
  
• LA Metro Orange Line seats designed by 7 year old on an Amiga. http://instagram.com/p/gQulyINYTP/
  
  
• Six Flags should develop a ride named "Taking a Deuce in a Bolt Bus Bathroom"
  
  
• There should be a skateboard trick named "Trying to Stand Up After Taking a Deuce in a Bolt Bus Bathroom"
  
  
• I watch @LookingHBO for the MUNI scenes because I miss being #onthebus