COLLECTED #ONTHETRAIN REPORTS FOR MARCH-MAY 2014

• Doo-wop singers scolded by Muslim man.
  
  
• Straight couple have marching keffiyeh. And haircuts.
  
  
• Well, a pack teenagers are fucking with a guy in a wheelchair, so it's official: teens in groups are the 11th plague.
  
  
• Woman's zipper quota exceeded.
  
  
• Skull ring adorable.
  
  
• From what I can make out, this guy may be listening to the theme from "Dynasty" on his headphones.
  
  
• I will never understand how or why anyone applies eye makeup on this violent turbulence machine.
  
  
• The BBC is reporting that we have hit "peak beard."
  
  
• Headphones fancy.
  
  
• Pre-teens swapping stories of pet neglect.
  
  
• Dude straight up smoking a cigarette #nofucks
  
  
• "Shrimps. You feel me? Shrimps and French fries. You feel me? 15 pieces. You feel me?"
  
  
• Two big guys work with a guy named Squiggy and another guy named Mike who talks too much and needs his jaw broken.
  
  
• Three young guys on the way to work debating aloud the timeless philosophical question: "Would you let her finger you?"
  
  
• Man's headphones may actually be airplane tires:

• Two Father John Misty doppelgängers guarding the door like the Oracle in The Neverending Story. #judgementlasers
  
  
• Man with down coat and wool hat but no shirt. #compromise
  
  
• Watching a white woman timidly smile at some hyper black kids like we all can't tell she's uncomfortable.
  
  
• Large man squeezed next to me for three stops. Then a larger man took his place. My life is a Buster Keaton short.
  
  
• One thing they don't warn you about when you move to New York: the looming threat of ambush by a field trip #onthetrain
  
  
• Had to headbutt a Chinese lady for some personal space. Thinking of you, SF.
  
  
• Bad breath incarnate just got on. Dude got a halitosis halo. His mouth ain't even open.