COLLECTED #ONTHEBUS REPORTS FOR NOV 2012 - JAN 2013

For all your up-to-date #onthebus reports, follow me on twitter:

https://twitter.com/alexkoll

NOVEMBER 2012
 

• According to theses two girls, pretty much everyone in their lives "be doin' too much."

• "Hella ugly bitches showed up at that party...it was DISTRACTING!"

• "I was like, I like Thai tea, and she likes Thai tea, and I was like I like Thai tea too!"

• Homeless lady asking girls for makeup tips.

• Dude paniced, yelled "I need off this bus!" Then calmed down and put on some deodorant.

• Now he's making rodent noises.

• Oh, he just got out of County yesterday. Now he's discussing grand theft auto with a friend.

• Both dudes agree they want to avoid going back the pen at all costs because the food sucks now. "Too much soy!"

• Fare officers at the next stop. Dudes resume panic.

• We've been trapped at this traffic light for three cycles now. Panic is escalating. Other passengers calming then down.

• Fare officers avoided. Also, I assume, fare avoided.

• Man making full use of his cell phone's "Yell To Text" feature.

• @pacoromane is #onthebus but I don't think he saw me get on...

• A few creepy txts and now @pacoromane knows I'm #onthebus too.

• Man, shit just got real #onthebus

• Weird White Dude right in front of me asked Intense Thug where his necklace was from. Intense Thug got real intense...

• IT: "This is my dead cousin's shit. You don't need to know." WWD: "It looks African." IT: "Do I look African?" WWD: "Yes."

• Intense Thug gets up: "You don't know shit about Africa, huh."

• Weird White Dude: "I've never talked to a Black before."

• ...and at that moment 17 people within earshot #onthebus shit their pants.

• IT: "What the fuck you just say? Where you getting off" WWD: "Haight St." IT: "Thats where i'm getting off too."

• WWD: "I've been living in China." IT: "China's cool. I like China. You buy a lot of necklacessesses there? Bet they real cheap"

• WWD: "This is my first conversation with a Black. I know not to talk to them now" ID: "You don't know when to shut the fuck up."

• At this point a latin twink with arrows painted on his face gets #onthebus, tweaking and singing to himself. Somehow ups the tension.

• BTW, the Weird White Dude is totally calm through all this.

• WWD "I'm going to let you get off the bus first." IT: "Oh, you're gonna LET me get off first. Don't matter either way."

• IT: "What you know about brain cells?" WWD: "Nothing." IT: "That's right!"

• IT: "You must be on drugs." WWD: "No. Methamphetamines kill the brain." IT: "Then you just don't know when to shut up."

• WWD: "Are you going to assault me?" IT: "Nah, that's up to the DA. Outta my hands. The court of the street will rule."

• There is a pause. The twink gets off.

• Intense Thug: "You say you don't know anything about Africans? That's not the same as saying you don't like them, right?"

• WWD: "Right. I just.don't know." Intense Thug holds his right fist out for a bump. WWD holds out his left fist. IT: "Wrong hand."

• IT: "Don't ask no more dumb questions you don't need to. And leave that race and colored shit ALONE. You hear me?"

• Then Intense Thug puts his trigger finger right in Weird White Dude's face and yells, "POP! POP! POP!"

• IT: "I could do that, no trace. That's your lesson." Then he jumps off the bus, barking.

• Weird White Dude: "But that was Filmore. He said he was getting off on my stop." #braincells

• Everyone un-shit themselves.

• BTW, Weird White Dude said he didn't use, but Intense Thug wouldn't fist bump his hand because it was covered in sores.

• Fuck.

DECEMBER 2012

• At 11:19pm you're not wearing sunglasses, you're wearing don't-fucking-make-eye-contact-with-me-glasses.

• Four French girls just did the French cheek kiss thing twenty four times.

• Two Santas from the "Santarchy" flash mob/event are #onthebus just quietly reading txts. Not very Santarchistic if you ask me.

JANUARY 2013

• First time I've heard "I just got out." spoken into a phone this year.

• Stoner repeatedly asking "Is Dave there?" probably too young to know Cheech & Chong routine he now is.

• "Lot of newness in my life now. Gotta have newness & payoff or else things get boring. But you know, I'm Italian! PIZAN!"

• 20-something half-asian hipster girl & 50-something black dude w/ jeri-curl & overcoat snuggling.

• She has 3 nice purses, 1 paper bag. Constantly moving stuff between all 4, using 2 seats and whining about something. #weirdmath

• Damn, I forgot the "h" in "jheri-curl" in a previous tweet. There goes my street cred.

• Man's fancy scarf looks like one of those moving blankets you get in a U-Haul.

• A braid of human hair wrapped in a newspaper is on the seat next to me.

• A dozen awkward art students have boarded to discuss acid and fawn over a large stuffed penguin named "Squeaker"

• "I'll spit in your face! I'll spit in your face! You just think I'm a crazy street person! I'll spit in your face!" - 15 year old

• There was a full-sized dog under my seat and I didn't notice for ten stops.

• Grizzled man drinking wine cooler on back bench.

• Young punk begging mom for money on phone. "God mom, you can use your phone to send it!"

• "I'm gonna get some Gatoraid and Snowballs and Red Bull and just HOPE I can stay awake for my friend's jazz concert tonight"

• "I felt so racist because I said "shit" then I said "pardon my French!" In front of our school's foremost French pupil!"

• British woman with stroller blocking the aisle getting lecture from old black lady on transit policy.

• Child next to me softly singing "gangnam style" into a rubber brain.

• Two four foot tall people boarded at different stops. Both on the phone. I assume they are talking to each other...plotting.

• Guy with a "Route 66" print purse shoved me out of the way to get #onthebus first.

• Guy looks like a Black @nicksturners