COLLECTED #ONTHEBUS REPORTS FOR AUG - DEC 2011

AUGUST

• Two giggling blonde hippie girls taking pictures of themselves like it's a tampon commercial but the camera crew never showed up.
  
  
• Dude has a cassette...and its brand new.
  
  
• Harvey Pekar isn't dead. He's two seats in front of me and he has dreads.
  
  
• Hipster w/ black hi-tops, tight black jeans, black gloves, tight black hoodie, hood up & cinched. Looks like an olive or black sperm.
  
  
• "HAVE YOU DONE YOUR ESSAY?! HAS ANYONE DONE THEIR ESSAY?!" - a teenager to other teenagers
  
  
• Members of a high school volleyball team are discussing the grossness of tongues.
  
  
• "Hey, you should ask this girl here out, man. You know, just being social. Buy her dinner, buy her a zucchini or something."
  
  
• "Just take her to dinner though, don't take her shopping for food. She'll break your bank!"
  
  
• This homeless guy looks just like Dr. Zaius! Orange hair, jacket, expression: total package.
  
  
• RT @NatashaMuse Just passed by @alexkoll- He was pushing his bicycle, while I was... #onthebus / BUSTED!
  
  
• I was about to wish there was a bathroom #onthebus but then I imagined what that would be like. Wish cancelled.
  
  
• Woman looks just like Bonnie Bedelia as Holly Gennaro McLane. Hair almost as big too. #yippiekiyaymrfalcon
  
  
• Crusty inventory: 1 Old E tallboy, 2 small dogs - "Cheech" & "Chance," a 7" digital flat screen tv (brand new in box), hella vest buttons.
  
  
• "I'M NOT A CRYBABY! I'M NOT A CRYBABY! MMMUWHAGGAMAGMA!!!!" (punches ceiling vent open)
  
  
• "ohmygod, homeless guy on a skateboard! You. Are not. Homeless! I feel sorry for your dog."
  
  
• "He's like 'i want a bong' & 'gotta getta bong' & 'I need a bong' & 'you want to get a bong?' & bong bong bong bong bong."
  
  
• "Then he buys it WITHOUT ME & says 'don't be butthurt' & 'you're butthurt'" & 'why are you butthurt?' Butthurt butthurt butthurt."
  
  
• "I wish there was a suggestion box outside Pacific Catch so I could leave a note that says 'god, I hate you."
  
  (NOTE: The previous tweet was a quote from a snotty teenage girl who was commenting on everything while her sidekick friend ate it all up in silence.  However, I received the following tweets from members of the Pacific Catch restaurant staff in response.)
  
  
• @pacificcatch @alexkoll Please let me know more email me here: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx #onthebus
  
  
• @PacCatchCOO Tom Hanson What's the problem? RT @alexkoll: "I wish there was a suggestion box @Pacificcatch so I could leave a note 'god, I hate you"
  
  
• @PacCatchCOO @pacificcatch Guys! Guys! Guys! I was quoting a snotty teenage girl #onthebus. I'm into PacCatch. No beef with you. Just fish.
  
  
• Wears sunglasses, puts hoodie up, has headphones on, curls in a ball, takes up two seats, sings out loud.
  
  
• Telemundo on the televisor. #LA

SEPTEMBER

• Air conditioning is pouring green water on all the passengers with window seats. #laxflyaway
  
  
• Dude in front of me yelled at the driver to turn off the AC. #laxflyaway
  
  
• Dude in the back just yelled at the driver to turn the AC back on. #laxflyaway
  
  
• AC On dude yelling at AC Off dude. #laxflyaway
  
  
• AC Off just called AC On an "inconsiderate bastard" #laxflyaway
  
  
• Wants-The-AC-On dude storms off to walk two terminals in 90 degree weather mumbling "I can't stand this hot bus" #laxflyaway
  
  
• I got video of the water dripping. #laxflyaway
  
  
• Hangover + public transport is like being inside a laundry dryer with a stomach full of overstimulated goldfish.
  
  
• "He was trying to hate on me but he got that gay in his voice. Just a bit. He got sugar in his gas tank somewhere."
  
  
• "Oh shit girl, they sellin books on the street! It's on now!"
  
  
• I think the ghost of Kurt Cobain just got on at 8th & Market. He's wearing shorts. #comeasyouare
  
  
• Old Asian lady with three pizza boxes got on. Her dinner, or questionable delivery service?
  
  
• Emergency exit latch pulled on back window. Now the whole window is swinging out and back. Will it fall off? Stay tuned.
  
  
• You tried to claim the whole back bench, old tourists, but you left one seat luggage-free. Sloppy. Consider yourself sat-next-to.
  
  
• Window swung way out on a big turn, but it held in there.
  
  
• Cute little girl has beaded cornrows & the beads are two shades of yellow. Looks like actual corn on the cob. Call Anne Geddes.
  
  
• As of when I got off at my stop, the window had threatened several times to fly off, but decided to stay put.
  
  
• "Mom! I told you not to smell people!"
  
  
• "That bitch pushed me! I don't care if you're 85, keep your hands off me BITCH!" - woman lying down in back door stairwell.
  
  
• Bjork tattoo.
  
  
• Man has knit cap with hole in it right where his bald spot is.
  
  
• Shout out to all the people who get up to let you out of your window seat and don't just swing their legs to the side. Heros.
  
  
• Someday I'm gonna leave a bowling ball #onthebus just because.

OCTOBER

• Unstable dude with homemade sheleighly and a sharpened, bare paint roller tried to smash a store window then followed me #onthebus
  
  
• Sheleighly Violence man sat right next to me. I moved immediately. I'm not stupid.
  
  
• This bus filled up quick. Sheleighly man is hissing at tourists in the back.
  
  
• Old dude just got on with a giant staff covered in crystals. This has become some homeless Led Zepplin album suddenly.
  
  
• Old dude's BO is also covered in crystals.  #dank
  
  
• Tourst swinging rolling bag around does not know the bottom is covered in dogshit. #overcrowded #amazing
  
  
• I told the tourist about the dogshit. #seesomethingsaysomething
  
  
• The mix of dookie smell, BO and body heat in here is bad. Real bad.
  
  
• Sheleighly Violence man got off, faced the bus, raised his street weapons to the sky and screamed. Checking sky for bats. #epicride
  
  
• Old asian lady just ran away from an old hippie lady.
  
  
• Lady: "BACKDOOR" Busdriver: "TOUCH IT!"
  
  
• Young dude next to me is real bad at sitting. Major gravity problems. #toomuchlean
  
  
• "If all sketchbooks were digital there would be, like, unlimited paper huh?" #artstudent
  
  
• Lost a bunch of followers today. Guess it was their stop.
  

NOVEMBER

• Combover disguised as cornrows.
  
  
• "People call me crackhead or methie, but that's not me! I'm a cigarette guy! Always! Since age six!"
  
  
• "EEEEERAAAAAAAEEEREERRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEERE" - a baby
  
  
• "Ay! Watch out! I'm really about my feet right now!"
  
  
• Blonde lady in snow hat x4  #denver
  
  
• Is SF the only city that doesn't rock upholstery? #denver #soft
  
  
• Blonde lady in snow hat with water bottle x4  #denver
  
  
• Woman rubbing phone on window to better reception.  #denver
  
  
• Two stoned trannies just got on. Denver, you know how to make a guy feel at home. #denver
  
  
• Twenty riot cops hanging off a SUV just passed us.  #denver #occupy
  
  
• Twenty people on here and everyone one of them looks like they are on meth. Even the two seven-year-olds. #denver
  
  
• Driver has a giant mohawk. He sings the name of each stop as if it were a jingle. #denver
  
  
• Guy up front is wringing his hands and delivering a monologue about class inequality directly at the closed window. #denver
  
  
• Pretty sure I'm on the line that connects "Repo Man" to "Suburbia" #denver #intense
  
  
• Ex-military guy behind me is threatening to ram everyone with a shopping cart under his breath.  #denver
  
  
• Monologue Man just dropped all his change in the floor. Man with giant moustache yelled, "JACKPOT!"  #denver
  
  
• Made the mistake of KINDA looking at ex-military guy. "CAN I HELP YOU?!" was his polite response. #denver
  
  
• Dude who scammed the driver and hit me up for my transfer now talking about heaven to everyone/noone. #denver
  
  
• "When you get to heaven, you get hit with so much awe right in your face that you see it for all eternity" #denver
  
  
• "The streets are gold and the gates are pearly, which comes from an oyster" #denver
  
  
• He switched from talking about heaven to talking about granite countertops. #denver
  
  
• "I installed a counter for DJ Magic Mike. His house is underground! So he can contain all the bass frequencies!" #denver
  
  
• "What do you think about that Occupy? I don't give a shit about the future, as long as the Broncos win!" #denver
  
  
• Dude in the back is dealing with automated customer service aloud on speakerphone. #denver
  
  
• "I do not speak motherfuckin' spanish and I do not want my phone call recorded!" #denver
  

DECEMBER

• Man appears to have three piccolos in separate leather cases.
  
  
• Thuggish dude brown-bagging a Crystal Geyser.
  
  
• Bad hip-hop through overworked phone speakers sounds like an auto-tuned garbage truck.
  
  
• Me, this baby and her mom are the youngest on here by three decades at least.
  
  
• Pug.
  
  
• Dudes bonding over the state of the fishing industry.
  
  
• Gotta get home, feed and walk the dog, change, then make an audition. All in 30min. Also, I'm drunk. Putting all my faith in MUNI.
  
  
• "Aww man! I was gonna sit there!" - lady with Four Loko t-shirt and a Clammato in hand, after I sat down. She has a seat already.
  
  
• "LOLLYPOP LOLLYPOP, OH LOLLY LOLLY LOLLY, WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT! HOSSENFASTERCORERASHAN!" -same lady.
  
  
• Showed the bus driver all the transfers in my pocket. That should cover December.
  
  
• Toddler drinking a Frappuccino.
  
  
• Permission to come aboard, 350lb Edgar Winter.
  
  
• Got the dog taken care of and made it to the audition with time to spare. Thanks MUNI...for now.
  
  
• Where do the N Judah trains go? Do they lose them in the tunnels? #notonthebus
  
  
• Finally on N Judah. Driver describing every: "Now we are in a station below Van Ness & Market St." "Now we are above the ground"
  
  
• Crazy uptight white lady having epic complaint sesh on phone w/ MUNI customer service. Crazy homeless white lady responding aloud
  
  
• "You are jackasses! This driver is being a jackass! I waited with 17 people for the train! I am never late! Stop being jackasses!"
  
  
• Every time Uptight White Lady (UWL) says "Jackass," Homeless White Lady (HWL) yells "DONKEY!"
  
  
• "I get home at 7pm! I don't know when I'm getting home now! Probably 8pm! YOU NEED TO PROVIDE AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS!"-UWL
  
  
• Homeless White Lady claps three staccato claps.
  
  
• "I pushed the button on the door. NOTHING! JERKS! JERKS! JERKS!" - UWL
  
  
• Again, Homeless White Lady claps three staccato claps.
  
  
• We're stuck at Duboce Park. Driver says someone is sitting on the door handle. "THE DRIVER CAN'T FIX THE DOORS! HE IS A JACKASS!"
  
  
• "RAISE THE DEAD! 5052! 5052!" - Homeless White Lady
  
  
• We're moving again. Uptight White Lady lost signal in the tunnel. She resumes reading her book, "Knock 'Em Dead Cover Letters"
  
  
• Driver announces next stop. Uptight White Lady half-stands & screams to the celling: "DON'T LEAN ON THE BAR! STOP! BEING! IDIOTS!"
  
  
• Pretty sure this lady could fit comfortably in her oversized Versace shopping bag.
  
  
• Dude named SRCY tried to sell me photocopied drawings of Mac Dre again.
  
  
• His sales tactic: toss them all in my lap and say "God bless" #LapDre
  
  
• I bought a Mac Dre, a MJ, a Tupac, and a JT the Bigga Figga. He threw in an extra Mac Dre for free.
  
  
• 8 hip kids in the back giggling and taking photos of each other, like a commercial, 'cept they are bragging about being at Occupy.
  
  
• "TITTIES!" - All 8 Teen Occupy Models, together.
  
  
• "Statisticly speaking, you know the Asian drivers don't look at transfers. So in theory, keep that shit."
  
  
• "This is my first time on the bus. Where does it go?" / "Nowhere important."
  
  
• "Happy Holidays Lisa! Does your baby girl go potty yet?"
  
  
• Dude just tried to sell me some trivia.
  
  
• White girl behind me got popped for not having a transfer. She can't believe it. She really can't believe it.
  
  
• "You guys are really cracking down this close to Christmas? Nobody will have money for presents."
  
  
• Giant crazy dude up front yelled "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" & "FUCK THE POLICE" with equal intensity and purpose.
  
  
• "My cousin is Eskimo. He lives on ice. I said, 'you want some ice?' he said, 'that's my floor!' "
  
  
• Just had to run a block to get #onthebus ...I caught it, but it never feels like a true victory.
  
  
• Hyperventilating. Last time I did this, the guy in front of me had cologne so potent I got the dry heaves. Must stay strong.
  
  
• Ooooooooo...all those margarita otter pops they fed me at 107.7 The Bone just kicked in. Gonna be a rough ride.
  
  
• Old queen complaining about number of people, opening all windows, & releasing sighs you could hear even in the vacuum of space.
  
  
• Whoa, we just entered into a game of chicken with another bus. Stalemate so far.
  
  
• Good morning. Today, I will be the a-hole with luggage and coffee. I feel the warmth of your anger already.
  
  
• "You best hold on tight! It's the Christmas season and you gotta be with your family and stop trippin!"
  
  
• Five people with grape juice.
  
  
• Three dudes with pony tails.
  
  
• Two Trader Joe's bags.
  
  
• And a barf stain on the back seat! #singit #sorry
  
  
• You think they'll ever find a cure for tourism?
  
  
• I can only describe this guy's outfit as "Gay Valentine Chef just had eyes dialated by B-52's optometrist."
  
  
• I can only describe this couple's look as "Superman 2 enemy loves The Craft"
  
  
• I can only describe theses two guy's look as "Enter rave, 1994. Exit Muni, 2011"
  
  
• 2 brothers. Matching Giants hats. Matching Beats By Dre headphones. Silent sentinels bracketing the aisle forming a knee gauntlet.
  
  
• "I'm tryin' to be nice to you & your curly hair. So don't be evil. It's new years; be nice. Evil is dumb! Evil is dumb as fuck!"
  
  
• Hippie girl just did a full stealth clothing change, from one puffy shirt & jeans to another puffy shirt & jeans.
  
  
• Guy wearing a jeans jacket over an overcoat. Under the overcoat? BOOM: another jeans jacket.
  
  
• Man got a bag caught on the railing while exiting. He cried, "My sandwich!" Four people jumped to his aid as if it were a baby.
  
  
• "Excuse me, but I think a bird got you on the head." / "Oh no, that's my hair wax." / "Oh. Well rub it in!"
  
  
• Hot girl looks miserable.
  
  
• Hot girl took a break from looking miserable in order to fall down. She has now resumed looking miserable.
  
  
• Do I need a transfer to get to 2012? #happynewyear