• Big man with big mustache has two fistfuls of Pink Floyd CDs.

• A guy just got #onthebus with a live pigeon in his hands. Live. Pigeon. Bare. Hands. #onthebus Now.

• He's just talking to his friend. Talking to his friend with a LIVE PIGEON in his BARE HANDS.

• The pigeon seems cool with all of this

• Pigeon Master got off at a busy stop, waved his bird in everyone's face & growled. Pigeons don't growl, but folks were scared.

• Mustache made of wrinkles. #ontheplane

• Man looks and sounds like if @kylekinane had a Vietnam vet brother, and Vietnam was fought in Urban Outfitters. #onthetrain #nyc

• 90's industrial goth guy wearing giant coat that looks like Big Bird if Big Bird was a black bird. #onthetrain #nyc

• 1st train performer this trip. Kid dancing to "Black or White." Not so much "dancing" as spinning & kicking his hat wildly #onthetrain #NYC

• Woman next to me has brought and deployed a full-sized sleeping bag. #ontheplane

• This seat is about to come loose. It's like a porch swing.

•  #ontheseat:

• Thought the kid next me was eating mac & cheese, but it was corn flakes. Smelled like mac & cheese to me. #stroke

• Is it a business man wearing a cowboy hat, or is it a cowboy hat wearing a business man?

• Heavy Metal Lady's shirt so covered in cat hair it's hard to make out the band name.

• Last #onthebus in SF for a while. Should I throw up on another passenger to celebrate?

• This is a direct threat to my #onthebus tweets: http://blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2013/01/bart_assembly_bill_716.php … (WARNING: gross photo alert)

For all your up-to-date #onthebus reports, follow me on twitter:

https://twitter.com/alexkoll

NOVEMBER 2012
 

• According to theses two girls, pretty much everyone in their lives "be doin' too much."

• "Hella ugly bitches showed up at that party...it was DISTRACTING!"

• "I was like, I like Thai tea, and she likes Thai tea, and I was like I like Thai tea too!"

• Homeless lady asking girls for makeup tips.

• Dude paniced, yelled "I need off this bus!" Then calmed down and put on some deodorant.

• Now he's making rodent noises.

• Oh, he just got out of County yesterday. Now he's discussing grand theft auto with a friend.

• Both dudes agree they want to avoid going back the pen at all costs because the food sucks now. "Too much soy!"

• Fare officers at the next stop. Dudes resume panic.

• We've been trapped at this traffic light for three cycles now. Panic is escalating. Other passengers calming then down.

• Fare officers avoided. Also, I assume, fare avoided.

• Man making full use of his cell phone's "Yell To Text" feature.

• @pacoromane is #onthebus but I don't think he saw me get on...

• A few creepy txts and now @pacoromane knows I'm #onthebus too.

• Man, shit just got real #onthebus

• Weird White Dude right in front of me asked Intense Thug where his necklace was from. Intense Thug got real intense...

• IT: "This is my dead cousin's shit. You don't need to know." WWD: "It looks African." IT: "Do I look African?" WWD: "Yes."

• Intense Thug gets up: "You don't know shit about Africa, huh."

• Weird White Dude: "I've never talked to a Black before."

• ...and at that moment 17 people within earshot #onthebus shit their pants.

• IT: "What the fuck you just say? Where you getting off" WWD: "Haight St." IT: "Thats where i'm getting off too."

• WWD: "I've been living in China." IT: "China's cool. I like China. You buy a lot of necklacessesses there? Bet they real cheap"

• WWD: "This is my first conversation with a Black. I know not to talk to them now" ID: "You don't know when to shut the fuck up."

• At this point a latin twink with arrows painted on his face gets #onthebus, tweaking and singing to himself. Somehow ups the tension.

• BTW, the Weird White Dude is totally calm through all this.

• WWD "I'm going to let you get off the bus first." IT: "Oh, you're gonna LET me get off first. Don't matter either way."

• IT: "What you know about brain cells?" WWD: "Nothing." IT: "That's right!"

• IT: "You must be on drugs." WWD: "No. Methamphetamines kill the brain." IT: "Then you just don't know when to shut up."

• WWD: "Are you going to assault me?" IT: "Nah, that's up to the DA. Outta my hands. The court of the street will rule."

• There is a pause. The twink gets off.

• Intense Thug: "You say you don't know anything about Africans? That's not the same as saying you don't like them, right?"

• WWD: "Right. I just.don't know." Intense Thug holds his right fist out for a bump. WWD holds out his left fist. IT: "Wrong hand."

• IT: "Don't ask no more dumb questions you don't need to. And leave that race and colored shit ALONE. You hear me?"

• Then Intense Thug puts his trigger finger right in Weird White Dude's face and yells, "POP! POP! POP!"

• IT: "I could do that, no trace. That's your lesson." Then he jumps off the bus, barking.

• Weird White Dude: "But that was Filmore. He said he was getting off on my stop." #braincells

• Everyone un-shit themselves.

• BTW, Weird White Dude said he didn't use, but Intense Thug wouldn't fist bump his hand because it was covered in sores.

• Fuck.

DECEMBER 2012

• At 11:19pm you're not wearing sunglasses, you're wearing don't-fucking-make-eye-contact-with-me-glasses.

• Four French girls just did the French cheek kiss thing twenty four times.

• Two Santas from the "Santarchy" flash mob/event are #onthebus just quietly reading txts. Not very Santarchistic if you ask me.

JANUARY 2013

• First time I've heard "I just got out." spoken into a phone this year.

• Stoner repeatedly asking "Is Dave there?" probably too young to know Cheech & Chong routine he now is.

• "Lot of newness in my life now. Gotta have newness & payoff or else things get boring. But you know, I'm Italian! PIZAN!"

• 20-something half-asian hipster girl & 50-something black dude w/ jeri-curl & overcoat snuggling.

• She has 3 nice purses, 1 paper bag. Constantly moving stuff between all 4, using 2 seats and whining about something. #weirdmath

• Damn, I forgot the "h" in "jheri-curl" in a previous tweet. There goes my street cred.

• Man's fancy scarf looks like one of those moving blankets you get in a U-Haul.

• A braid of human hair wrapped in a newspaper is on the seat next to me.

• A dozen awkward art students have boarded to discuss acid and fawn over a large stuffed penguin named "Squeaker"

• "I'll spit in your face! I'll spit in your face! You just think I'm a crazy street person! I'll spit in your face!" - 15 year old

• There was a full-sized dog under my seat and I didn't notice for ten stops.

• Grizzled man drinking wine cooler on back bench.

• Young punk begging mom for money on phone. "God mom, you can use your phone to send it!"

• "I'm gonna get some Gatoraid and Snowballs and Red Bull and just HOPE I can stay awake for my friend's jazz concert tonight"

• "I felt so racist because I said "shit" then I said "pardon my French!" In front of our school's foremost French pupil!"

• British woman with stroller blocking the aisle getting lecture from old black lady on transit policy.

• Child next to me softly singing "gangnam style" into a rubber brain.

• Two four foot tall people boarded at different stops. Both on the phone. I assume they are talking to each other...plotting.

• Guy with a "Route 66" print purse shoved me out of the way to get #onthebus first.

• Guy looks like a Black @nicksturners

MARK YOUR KOLLENDER JANUARY 2013

Hi everyone, how’s it going?  I know, I know...we haven’t talked in a long time.

What's new?

Wellllll....I’m moving to New York.

I can’t say much about it, but I will say some sucker sold me a VERY famous bridge and, well, it’s not going to run itself.*

(* if you don’t get that you need to hang out with more grandpas.  Also, see George C. Parker or William McCloundy.)

Ok, the real reason?  One word: Pastrami.

...and I AM GOING TO DO ALL THE COMEDY THERE IS TO DO UNTIL THERE IS NO COMEDY OR I GET A NOSE-BLEED!

But Alex, how will you adjust to “The City That Never Sleeps” when you are from “The City That Sleeps Till Noon And Works From Home?”  

Yo...Don't worry about it.

BUT BEFORE I GO:  

Bay Area friends and fans take note: I am headlining the San Francisco Punch Line on Monday February 18th.  This isn’t a “goodbye” show as much as it is a “Yo...Don’t Worry About It” show (see above).  This will however be my last long performance in The Bay for a while so please, please come have a laugh with me.  I have two of my favorite locals, Caitlin Gill and David Gborey, on the bill with me so it’s definitely going to be great.

Mon, Feb 18, 2013
8:00 PM
$16.00
2 Drink Minimum

Punch Line Comedy Club
444 Battery St
San Francisco , CA 94111
Tel: 415.397.7573
Fax: 415.397.3791

TICKETS

I want to see ALL of you there, so if you call the club and use the code word “PASTRAMI” you can get 2 For 1 tickets!

Truth is, there will be a lot of great opportunities to see me all around the Bay Area this next month or so (see below), but this Punch Line show is mine, all mine. Let's enjoy our precious, precious time together.

Hey Bay Area, let’s stay in touch!  I’ll be continuing to pop into your inbox with info on upcoming shows and appearances.  2013 is definitely going to be very full for me.  In fact, I’ll be retuning to the West Coast later in the year so you’ll wanna keep up with the latest.  But if you are having separation anxiety, remember I am active on Twitter, Facebook and my blog (for the most part). Oh, and you should see my Instagram!  Get to know the digital approximation of me if you have not already.

As for to my New York friends and fans, your wildest dreams are about to come true!  You get to help me lift boxes up five flights of stairs!

See you all soon!

OTHER UPCOMING SHOWS:

Farley’s East
The last Monday of every month, Farley's East transforms into the best comedy club in Oakland!

Monday, January 28, 2013
7:30 pm to 9:00 pm
Cost: FREE
Farley’s East
33 Grand Ave., Oakland, CA

INFO

SF Sketchest with Todd Barry
I am opening for this show:

TODD BARRY: THE CROWD WORK TOUR
A Todd Barry show consists of two things: amazing jokes and amazing crowd work. On this tour he’s not doing the amazing jokes. That’s right, an entire show of riffing and bantering with the audience. Could be good!

PERFORMANCE INFO:
Tuesday, January 29, 8pm at The Eureka Theatre
215 Jackson Street
San Francisco, 94111
Info

Tickets

SF Sketchfest: The Business
SF Sketchfest: The Business And Friends
The Business is a long running weekly alt comedy showcase, recently voted “Best of SF” by the SF Weekly. Five comedians (Nato Green, Caitlin Gill, Sean Keane, Alex Koll, and Bucky Sinister) each curate a portion of your evening. It’s a comedy mixture that regularly includes special guests ranging from standup comics to authors to sketch performers to musicians and dancers. Recently, the Business expanded its operations southward with The Business LA, every Thursday in Silverlake. “…San Francisco does have a comedy scene—it’s just a little weirder, a lot less commercial, and often much funnier than what you’ll find elsewhere, and The Business is at its rumbling epicenter.” – San Francisco Magazine.

PERFORMANCE INFO:
The Business & Friends
Saturday, February 2nd, 11:45pm, Punch Line Comedy Club
 

The Business at The Dark Room
Wednesday, February 6th, 8pm, The Dark Room

MORE INFO

TICKETS

Comedy Bottle
This showcase features the best stand-up veterans in town on stage at the newly opened Purple Onion at Kells.
 

Alex Koll Headlines

Feb. 1-2
8:30pm
$15.
The Purple Onion @ Kells Irish Bar
530 Jackson Street (near Columbus Ave.)
San Francisco, CA 94133

Tickets

EI8HT
What happens when you bring together a writer, a singer, a hip hop dancer, a media/performance artist, a comedian, a clown, an actress, and a bassist...?
Come experience eight very different performers meeting for the first time in an underground warehouse space. Support local art, give back to the community, carouse, and see what else the night will bring.  

Giving Back:  Part of the proceeds of this show will be donated to Destiny Arts, an inner city youth organization dedicated to violence prevention and arts education:  http://www.destinyarts.org/

Friday, February 8, 2013 from 8:00 PM to 10:30 PM (PST)
San Francisco, CA
8 performances x 8 minutes
Cyclone Warehouse
1842 Illinois St
San Francisco, CA 94124

MAP

TICKETS

The PM show
Late night talk show interviews move out of your TV and into the Cynic Cave where performing comedians get interviewed about the reason for their funny.

$10
Friday, February 22, 20138pm
Cine Cave @ Lost Weekend Video
1034 Valencia Street
San Francisco, California 94110

Sonoma
I am headlining two shows at Sonoma's Back Alley Comedy night.
 

Saturday February 23rd
Murphy's Irish Pub
464 1st St. East, Sonoma, California
Featuring:
Kenny Thomas
Nate Follen
Hosted by Torio Van Grol

Tickets

Moontower Comedy & Oddity Festival
Looking further out into April, I’ve been invited to perform at the Moontower Comedy & Oddity Festival in Austin TX.  The lineup they’ve already announced is fantastic and I'm excited to be part of the fest and to return to Austin!  More dates may pop up around the Gulf, so I'll let you know when to fire up the bbq.

A NOTE ABOUT THE BUSINESS:

 The Business is my baby that I raised for the last three years with Chris Garcia, Sean Keane and Bucky Sinister.  Later we welcomed Caitlin Gill, Chris Thayer, Mike Drucker and Nato Green to the ranks. Every Wednesday night we pour ourselves all over the stage at the Dark Room and it's paid off in so many ways.  The last year-and-a-half it's been sold-out almost every week, and lately we've been turning people away. I never imagined it.  Now Thayer and Garcia have launched The Business LA with Beth Stelling and Sean O'Connor and it's also thriving.  My last Business SF as a regular member is on Feb 20th and features my pals Bobby Joe Ebola and the ChildrenMacNuggits. You should stop by.

Nato, Sean, Bucky and Caitlin will continue The Business in SF, maybe with some new blood as well.  If you live in the Bay Area, I highly recomend you attend frequently. 

Is The Business NY on the way?  Don't worry about it.

AND AS ALWAYS...

Visit www.alexkoll.com every once in a while, why don't cha?  It's good for you.

Thanks for reading,

Sincerely,

www.alexkoll.com

Ok, so you want to Unsubscribe. I'm fine with that.

MAY

• Magenta stain on the seat...not easy to identify...i'm sitting down anyway.
  

JUNE

• #onthebus to LA Pride. I've never experienced such a well-fragranced route. #neverwillagain #LA

AUG

• Well, well, well...it's been a while but look who's back #onthebus
  
  
• Medieval headdress + modern dreadlocks = time distortion based headache.
  
  
• Man with Wolfman Jack voice says this fall is all about not smoking that rock. #wolfmancrack
  
  
• 30% increase in goth chicks. #velour
  
  
• So, not at all? / RT @ShreddyMercury Finally! I missed #onthebus like I missed bad jokes about Mormons and sex.
  
  
• Woman in SUV next to us is driving with one hand, allowing cockatiel to perch on other hand. #wellactuallynexttothebus
  
  
• "Asshole" might be the only word this driver can say. Oh wait, add "bitch" to the list.
  
  
• Male ponytail up 47%
  
  
• Cat lady brought cat on. On looks only, I'm guessing the cat's name is "Infection"
  

SEPT

• "Walkin' around like he owns the bus! He don't got a gun or nothin!" - fare evader after successfully evading a fare cop.
  
  
• Grateful Dead jacket contains three generations of body odor.
  
  
• Girl with tail clearly still at Burning Man in some capacity.
  
  
• Older Black dude has completely artificial widow's peak.
  
  
• "She pops pills, but I still think she's pretty."
  
  
• "you love me?" "get the fuck up my lap already!" #NJ
  
  
• When public trans does have upholstery, why does it always look like it was stolen from E.P.C.O.T. Center in 1986? #NJ
  
  
• The last thing I saw on the way out of New York was a Hasidic man in full traditional dress...and Crocs. #ontheairtrain #NY #thanks

OCT

• Cool dude gets on. Feet go up on seat back. Cooler dudes get on. Feet come down. (by "cooler" I mean "black")
  
  
• British couple smell like pickles.
  
  
• Mid-October Giants fan dressed like Mid-January Vikings fan.
  
  
• I will name this lady "Sequins & Cottage Cheese"
  
  
• Was gonna take a picture of how douchey this guy looks, but we've all seen that already, right? Best not open those gates now.
  
  
• I wonder how many times an hour my eyes say, "nice boobs" without giving the rest of me a heads-up.
  
  
• If U.N. Plaza in downtown SF is to be believed, the U.N. is currently comprised of seagulls, skaters and very few teeth.
  
  
• "Presidential debate? Don't know which one's stupider! I wouldn't wrap fish in either one of them!" - guy reading the paper
  
  
• "They tried to give me the Nobel Prize. Tried. I said no." - same guy.
  
  
• Homeless guy with a yoga mat plops down in the middle seat of the far back bench and says, "There, now i'm really centered!"
  
  
• It's good to be back #onthebus
  
  
• "Namaste" wrist tattoo spotted on mom dressed like Jodie Foster in "Taxi Driver."
  
  
• The chain-wallet is a ponytail for your pants.
  
  
• Can you get tuberculosis from a stare?
  
  
• If you say there are hecka Asians #onthebus that is numerically less than saying there are hella Asians #onthebus right? #baymath
  
  
• Today I learned "Vichermint Varrvft" is German Tourist for "Fisherman's Warf"
  
  
• There is an entire shitty college party #onthebus ...the front is a tangle of red Solo cups and beads.
  
  
• I'm sitting in the way back with a couple who look like Juggalos on the way to a steampunk party.
  
  
• Young Dykes in love singing "Happy Birthday" to each other. #nottheirbirthdays
  
  
• Yanni impersonator in a long white trench coat.
  
  
• Pug in a bag.
  
  
• "You can't compare Indian food to a totally different country! It doesn't even work that way!"
  
  
• "I just moved here from Boisie because everyone in this city is a drunk, broke bitch like me."
  
  
• Pug out of the bag!
  
  
• Tonight's inescapable drifting odor is: Octopus Shoe
  
  
• Carly Rae Jepson ringtone.
  

Date:2012-06-20 01:07:48
PostID:3089117997
Title:(free stuff) Free Del Taco Sauce Packets

I was just at Del Taco getting a cheddar quesadilla, a del cheeseburger a soft taco supreme and some caramel cheesecake bites.  The guy at the window (who looked like Woody from A Toy Story but with long hair and he probably plays the bass) asked if I wanted some hot sauce and I said no but evidently he didn't hear me because the bag was loaded with them: 14 total!  What the heck am I supposed to do with all that sauce, and I didn't want it to begin with.  So I'm gonna leave them in the parking lot between the drive-thru entrance and the vinyl banner with the combo's printed on it.  And before the haters say anything I posted this on my phone, I'm not at home right now.  I wasn't gonna just leave them here.  I'm gonna stay in the lot for a while because I want to make sure someone finds them all properly.  Also I'm not a cop.  There are three levels of hotness: Del Inferno, Del Scorcho and Mild Sauce.  They didn't give "Mild Sauce" a "Del" because it's weak and there is no word for weakness in Spanish.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

• Guy is gushing aloud about One Hundred Years Of Solitude. Using the word "undersung" a lot.
  
  
• Wants everyone to know he doesn't have a political agenda.
  
  
• This Crusty dude is a total fake. His vest is clean, his studs are shiny, his beard is very manicured, & his dogs are both Chows.
  
  
• This driver has a lead foot, but only for the brake.
  
  
• Can't see what's going on up front, but it sounds like someone boarded with and promptly dropped a cord of bamboo.
  
  
• Whatever it is the driver is mad because it's happened before.
  
  
• Tweaker couple holding the bus up by exchanging prolonged "i love yous" in the doorwell.
  
  
• Predictive text feature just changed #onthebus to #enthroned
  
  
• Frustrated 112lb teenager just showed the back door who's boss.
  
  
• Dude's jacket is so all-weather it looks like he's wearing jeans over a wetsuit.
  
  
• Woman in pajamas has black eye and a medium pizza.
  
  
• Wearing a suit, back bench, middle seat. #likeaboss
  
  
• Got busted for eating an apple.
  
  
• Still finished eating the apple.
  
  
• Holding an open wine bottle because it was on the seat and I don't want it to spill on my shoes. #bridgetown
  
  
• Two teenage boys smelling the bottom of each other's shoes.  #seattle
  
  
• Man in his 70's looks like dock worker from the 70's. #seattle
  
  
• Teen girls keep thanking each other "forever." #seattle
  
  
• Man looks like if everyone in @RedFang was one person.  #seattle
  
  
• You also have FREE FARE #Seattle? Are you seeing anyone right now?
  
  
• Power went on and off, then the doors all opened and closed. I think we just re-booted.
  
  
• Woman with leopard print coat has two giant leopard print suitcases.
  
  
• Man with mohawk asks "is the Air Force base still open?" to no one in particular
  
  
• Tweaker girl sittin on floor of bus saying "suck me off it's hot!" over and over.
  
  
• Teenager with "Forever Alone" face sweatshirt. He is by himself.
  
  
• Older tweaker lady polling entire bus, "Doesn't anyone know what a hair pin is!?"
  
  
• "Thai Fuckit Tofu Thai Fuckit Fuckit Tofu Tofu We Want Thai, I'm A Fuckin Care Bear!" - Tweaker Girl's new single
  
  
• "DON'T YOU DARE FART IN YOUR HAND!" yelled Tweaker Girl. But it was too late as Tweaker Boy thrust a fart-filled hand on her nose.
  
  
• "You can't get off here, this is an express!" - Driver / "I just farted!" - Tweaker Boy
  
  
• ...aaaaand nasty post-fart Tweaker make-out sesh (extended play).
  
  
• Drunk
  
  
• My friends are up front, but i'm in the back. No reason.
  
  
• 7 hipster pricks with a 24 pack of Bud Light taking up the old people seats and drinking while old man with groceries stands.
  
  
• Old hippie has cowbell stuffed with tennis balls.
  
  
• Quiet woman in back suddenly yelled, "BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!" out the window, then regained her quiet composure.
  
  
• Man has a lot of confidence for someone wearing yellow pants.
  
  
• 99% positive woman behind me & dude 2 rows up are talking to each other on the phone. Evidently they both are going to Sunmer Jam
  
  

• Again, #LA, what did I say about fabric seats, huh? photo: Emilio Banuelos
  

• Man double fisting dozens of lottery scratchers.
  
  
• Man with eyepatch has Evil Dead shirt. #LA #groovy

• Can't tell if you are a dude next to me or 3000 cigarette butts wearing a.hoodie. #LA
  
  
• Anyone ever seen a mohawk with a 90° angle in the middle? I have now. #LA
  
  
• Due to colorful seat fabric, being #onthebus in #LA reminds me of E.P.C.O.T. Center, if E.P.C.O.T. was "going through some shit right now"
  
  
• There are TVs #onthebus in #LA
  
  
• Allow me to retweet myself: There are TVs #onthebus in #LA
  
  
• One TV is working & one TV is horribly vandalized. I bet that first one is scared. #LA
  
  
• Big Black dude dressed like Stallone from first "Rocky" + a "Rocky" shirt + matching giant Star of David chain & neck tattoo.  #LA
  
  
• FROM @ffxrider: @alexkoll Love your #onthebus tweets. Are the ones on that page all yours? I recognize some of them but not all. #superbowl  //// @ffxrider All mine. I wouldn't co-opt anyone's #onthebus experience. Each is unique like a foul-smelling, slightly threatening snowflake.
  
  
• Couple sharing headphones somehow still look like they don't know each other.  #LA
  
  
• One old man, so many earrings. #LA
  
  
• SEATING CHART: | me | large box containing 2 dozen premium orange paintball clips | Oakley enthusiast |  #LA
  
  
• Man with picnic basket/lobster trap/both? #goodtobebackinSF
  
  
• Guy has a denim hoodie. Is that double cool, or do they cancel each other out?
  
  
• FROM @rachelswan: Alex, this woman wants her money back because the bus stank. #14 //// How ungrateful. You can't get that kind of stank FOR FREE!
  
  
• Dude just got busted for either fare evasion or for his leather Budweiser jacket & shorts combo.
  
  
• Judging by my last two tweets, I must have boarded the Catty Bitch Limited. #ontherag
  
  
• YES! / RT @Juicemanji was the fare evader an obese white kid? Saw someone with that same outfit #onthebus Saturday.
  
  
• Skinhead girl killin' a big bag of Sour Patch Kids solo.
  
  
• "I ain't even fuckin' with dreams. That shit's expensive."
  
  
• Overly polite child
  
  
• I think I might throw-up #onthebus for reals.
  
  
• I'm in the very back by an open window, so if it's gotta go down this is as ideal as it gets.
  
  
• The trick is gonna be launching it all outside; no blowback.
  
  
• Typing this is making it worse. I'm dumb.
  
  
• I think I got food poisoning, but think I'm gonna make it home. If I do I want the Congressional Medal of Honor.
  
  
• "It's very dismal. I said dismal. It's dismal. Huh? Dismal. It's very dismal." - man on phone who thinks it's dismal #onthetrain #yonkers
  
  
• Tiny woman on tall heels. If her Venti Iced Passion Tea was any fuller, she would capsize. #onthetrain #tarrytown
  
  
• "Celebrate good times, suck dick!" - passerby serenade #onthetrain #nyc
  
  
• Straight up smells like salad dressing in here. #onthebus #nyc
  
  
• Man looks like Silent Bob but with a 2 foot bleach blonde fall. #onthetrain #queens
  
  
• Man with entire set of golf clubs in a plastic shopping bag. #onthetrain #queens
  
  
• I want to describe this woman's look as "Carmen Sandiego Found in MAC Cosmetics Barrel" or "Spy Bitch" #onthetrain #manhattan
  
  
• ...maybe it's Cindy Sherman promoting her show... #onthetrain #manhattan #whereintheworldisartistcindysherman

• Teenagers rocking seven-year-old ski tags on seven-year-old ski jackets. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• Man asleep with head on self-provided mic stand. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• One hipster, one black stocking, one white stocking. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• Reggae band performs version of "The Sign" three times in a row. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• Drag queens can't agree on lotion brand. #onthetrain #williamsberg
  
  
• Couple asleep in each other's arms were clearly texting prior to passing out. #onthetrain #williamsberg

• FROM @JFODcomedy: It's #williamsburg not berg, Alex. Your super successful NYC trip is now nullified. Way to go bro.

MARCH

• "BOOM GOES THE BACKDOOR BELL! BOOM GOES THE BACKDOOR BELL!"  #backinsf
  
  
• Asian teen is wearing a peacoat, Air Monarchs, and that seems to be it.
  
  
• The strong and distinct smell of semen is wafting from the back where a man is singing Dr. John songs. I dare not turn around.
  
  
• The bus is my SXSW.
  
  
• Woman's headphone cord plugged into Baskin Robbins cup.
  
  
• Next stop: Skaight & Thrashbury. #ontheExobus :
  
• There is just as much North Face being sported today as every day, but it is actually raining so i'll let it slide.
  
  
• "How you gonna smoke that much weed and hate Irish people, Mexican.people and Cajun people?"
  
  
• "She said If I smoke any more weed it'll condense my bones. So after I get my tax refund I'm gonna BART to the hospital."
  
  
• 3 hippie kids tried to sneak on. One got busted. The other two just mumbled "bummer" as we left him behind.  #thrownunderthebus
  
  
• If you wish to observe the modern tradition of a foam leprechaun hat, I wish to hit you with a traditional sheleighly.
  
  
• "Does that guy have a green mustache? Oh my god he does! So gross!"
  
  
• "Girl, you ever fart on your lamaze coach?"
  
  
• "Just made it dude! I bailed on that Gatorade so hard. Shoved it in the rack, didn't even look!"
  
  
• Skinny hipster tourist didn't wear enough layers. So cold he's shivering & moaning alone in the back. Sad but also a bit creepy.
  
  
• "Sorry, that was Ellen telling me i'm 'not mentally in it.' I'm so sick of her 'mental' shit. I don't 'mentally' give a fuck."
  
  
• "What were we talking about...Europe...making it rain...Jerrod and his awkward juice...?"
  

photo: Emilio Banuelos

• "Dude, totally do that to her. Be like, 'I'm in the pet industry, you're in the pet industry, give me all the contacts I need.' "
  
  
• "Man, I think Beaver is spun, man. He squeezed two markers dry with his bare hands. You smell his hat lately?"
  
  
• "This dude is too much. Wish I had video...10,000 hits easy. Get that YouTube money! That YouTube money!"
  
  
• I think I forgot to pay.
  
  
• "IT SMELLS LIKE ONIONS!" / "Not me. I smell like trees!"
  
  
• "That girl is all dirty & tie-dye, but she acts all bourgeoisie & shit. She's checkin' her nails out, but she got fleas no doubt."
  
  
• "BACK DOOR! BACK DOOR! J/K! J/K!"
  
  
• No one but me #onthebus right now. Sitting in the back like it's a filthy limo.
  
  
• Dude got on, sat right next to me. Totally empty, sat right next to me. Totally. Empty. Right. Next. To. Me. #dude
  
  
• I'd say dude has a combover, but it's more of a combdowner.
  
  
• White man with white Kindle, please be reading "White Fang."
  
  
• Can't tell if you are a 22 year old hipster woman or 12 year old Serbian farm girl.
  
  
• "I've been movin' around. On Greyhound for months. And i've NEVER been impressed by Del Taco."
  
  
• "Know what she did after totaling the car? Went to the casino. Plus, she has a big cottage cheese ass; wider by the week!"
  
  
• Poor old guy keeps telling the same two jokes over & over to the poor young girl who sat next to him.
  
  
• "Kid comes home from college. Dad says what'd you learn? Kid says πr². Dad says, you dummy! Everyone knows pie are round!"
  
  
• "You hear about the guy who was built backwards? His nose ran and his feet smelled!"
  
  
• Old guy is now repeating both jokes over & over aloud to everyone.
  
  
• "Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey everybody! It don't hurt to flirt! Hey..."
  
  
• Woman told boyfriend he's the best sound engineer ever.
  
  
• "There are so many bold tunes on my sound horizon!"
  
  
• Dude's earlobe plugs are so big you could fit the 90's through them.
  
  
• Bus is empty, and the driver is a hipster lady with orange shades. Did I just get on an ironic bus?
  
  
• Gonna call this dude "No-Longer-A-Kid Rock" or "Drunk Fedora Thor"
  
  
• ...or maybe "Tipsy Gypsy" because he is fighting an epic battle against gravity.
  
  
• "Well, let's all make pillows then!" - Tipsy Thor Gypsy
  
  
• He's using all his strength plus a pole as leverage to open a window that's already open.
  
  
• "Never on occasion have fucked a pineapple rabbit!" - Tipsy Thor Gypsy
  
  
• He is now checking his eyeballs in the fisheye mirror on the back door.
  
  
• Meanwhile, a couple is breaking up loudly in the back. The dude just agreed he's "A real shitty boyfriend" at top volume.
  
  
• "We should visit The Haight today." - lady #onthebus that is currently leaving The Haight.
  
  
• Can't tell if you are a hipster lady or a homeless Marshall Mathers.
  
  
• "Yes! Yes I did see your Kickstarter! No! No it's not a good idea!"
  
  
• Can't tell if you are a hipster lady or Edna Mode from The Incredibles.
  
  
• Old guy who looks like a prospector just sat next to other old guy who looks like a prospector. You rach-e-frakin' CLAIM JUMPER!
  
  
• Public trans right to the airport. You're kinda town, Portland.  #PDX
  
  
• Might have to put a moratorium on hipster observations while I'm here...might overload the whole internets. #PDX
  
  
• Fabric seats with drain holes. Weird combo. #PDX

• #onthetrain #PDX to #SEA

• "Hey baby, wanna join the 5 Foot High Club?" - my buddy Matt to me
  
  
• Dude is getting the third degree for not saying "excuse me" before sitting in an open seat. #SEA
  
  
• Lady giving a monologue to no one from back bench. #SEA
  
  
• "Where the flesh at? Where the real one at? Ooooooo, London huh?" #SEA
  
  
• "Get on the table, Louis. That's where the Tebow motherfucker is from." (smells wrist three times) #SEA
  
  
• "All my nationalities are on one mattress, one swedish mattress. Terminator. Terminator from the future!" #SEA
  
  
• "Get up on that table and make sure they get the microchip out of ya! Make sure they do it right!" #SEA
  
  
• Ramble Lady leaves. Hipster Girl says, "It was like she was in her own sci-fi fantasy...I'm so jealous!" #SEA
  
  
• Sometimes this city is too amazing.
  
  
• Old hippie driving car full of old hippies slowed at a green light, got out, adjusted his pants (CAR STILL MOVING), got back in.
  
  
• Oh yeah, other old hippie worked the pedals from the passenger seat with a crystal covered walking stick.
  
  
• Gonna miss this audition i'm going to, but that made it worth it.
  
  
• "Yo! Take that shit off! You look like a Crayola box!"
  
  
• Real old pit bull just got #onthebus. I think it got on by itself.
  
  
• Pit bull fart.
  
  
• Hipster girl bragging to friend about flask and toy horse her boyfriend got her. Her voice is so annoying I can't even quote her.
  
  
• "Yeah...it's yeah, and you know...yeah. So like, yeah."
  
  
• "yeah" is the new "like"
  

Please come see me headline the San Francisco Punch Line on January 10th, 2012 with Dave Thomason and Bucky Sinister.  Lots of new material and great guests.  It should be a fantastic night.

What's that?  You're broke and want 2 for 1 tickets to the show? Well give the club a call at 415-397-7573 to make a reservation and use the codeword: "KOLLWORD"  You'll get 2 for 1 tickets, and no service charge to boot!